HOWARD TRASHES Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band "Waiting for D Train" 5 nov 2009 Jimmy Fallon Show

MEG GRIFFIN REVIEWS YOKO Howard got Meg Griffin on the line to review Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon's recent performance of “Waiting for the D Train” on the Jimmy Fallon show and asked for a straight answer: "Do you like that?" Meg was honest, saying it was noteworthy only because Yoko and Sean were the performers: "No...something like that, I might play for people for the same purpose that you just played it for me." Meg added that Howard might actually get along with Yoko, as they both love John Lennon, but Howard dismissed the idea – along with the notion of Yoko's talent. Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band "Waiting for D Train" live 5 nov 2009 Jimmy Fallon Show

Who will be your daddy ?

STERN SHOW SPERM BANK Will said he'd rather get a sperm donation from a family member than adopt: "I have a brother. I have uncles." Howard was horrified: "Don't do that. Go to a sperm bank and ask for the smartest good-looking guy...there's basic sibling rivalry...you don't want to be thinking that every time your brother comes over...you come to me before you decide anything. I mean privately." Howard again offered a semen sample, and Will considered it: "Lemme think about that. I'll get back to you." Howard cited JD as the staffer whose semen sample he'd personally be least-likely to use: "But you know what? I would take JD over Benjy. Because Benjy is disturbing. I'm worried about him." Howard also reconsidered taking JD before a couple others: "I would take JD before Sal or Richard? Am I crazy?" WHOSE BABY COULDN'T YOU RAISE? Howard eventually reversed position, with one complaint: "I think JD could be kind of a cool guy. There's just no way he's gonna get rid of that personality." Artie cited Richard as the last staffer he'd ask (besides himself): "Maybe it's just because I'm a city-slicker and arrogant." Howard couldn't decide: "Richard. Or maybe Sal. That's a tough one." Fred picked Jason, citing his looks: "It's not that he's ugly. It's the overweight issue. It's the excessive hair." Jason came in to agree with Fred, citing his hirsute physique – even stripping off his shirt to show the crew his hairy back. Fred was disgusted: "It's like a sweater." Howard noticed that Jason had a little pattern baldness on his back, so Jason explained that it had never grown back after his first back-waxing treatment. Howard then pointed to the bald spot on Jason's head: "They should take the hair off your back and put it on your head." howardstern.com

Howard Stern Talks to Medicated Pete about Karaoke & Dating women !

MEDICATED PETE’S KARAOKE PROWESS MEDICATED PETE IS A KARAOKE STAR Steve Langford reported that Mediated/Tourette's Pete (earlier in the show, frequent caller Johnboy, complained about Pete’s moniker and Howard changed it to Medicated Pete) was a karaoke king, so Pete came in to explain: "When I get onstage, I'm more comfortable than when I'm in a crowd of people." Pete added that he was recovering from laryngitis but promised to wow the crew with his rendition of “Purple Rain” when he was better. KARAOKE: HOWARD VS. MEDICATED PETE While Pete was in-studio, Howard asked if he was well enough to show off his karaoke skills. Pete grabbed a mic and belted out a hilarious version of “Purple Rain” as Howard laughed: "He's turning purple! Sing it!" To be fair, Howard tried to prove he was better, but Fred determined that Howard had lost: "I think you had some timing issues. Your vocal was actually pretty good but your timing was off. That threw you." DINA, MEDICATED PETE'S CRIPPLED CRUSH Howard got Dina, another listener who wanted to date Medicated Pete, on the line and told her Pete was starting to seem more relaxed on the air and around the office. Pete came in to say he had a new attitude: "You're correct...I'm getting more confident." Artie checked him: "If you're not careful, you're gonna become an asshole." Howard asked Dina why she was in a wheelchair, so she explained that she had Friedreich's ataxia, a neurological condition that affects her balance. Dina added that she'd last gotten laid "earlier this year" and was actually quite athletic – despite not being able to use her legs: "I row. I rock climb." Pete said he'd love to meet Dina but refused another suggestion – that he not take his meds for a day: "I spaz out completely – completely off the charts." ONCE MORE WITH A FELONY CONVICTION Howard also took another call from a woman who wanted to date Pete and learned she had a felony conviction. She said she'd recently done 8 months in jail for Grand Larceny: "I took some money from my former employer." She explained that she'd worked as an office manager for an engineering firm and – due in part to a gambling problem – “borrowed” about $8,000: "I actually planned on paying it back slowly but I was caught before that happened." She claimed she hadn't gotten laid since her release from Rikers: "I wanna date Pete so bad, Howard! He seems honest, adorable and cute." Robin laughed: "Funny that you're into honesty." Howard pressed further, asking how Pete could be sure she wouldn't scam him, so she replied: "8 months on Rikers Island rehabilitates you." howardstern.com

Miss Howard TV - November 2009

INTRODUCING NOVEMBER’S MISS HOWARD TV PAULINA SHERWOOD, MISS HOWARDTV NOVEMBER Howard welcomed Paulina Sherwood, November’s Miss HowardTV, to the studio and asked if Tourettes Pete had asked her out in the hall. Paulina said Pete had: "You never know what might happen. Howard laughed: "That's sounds like a no." Robin agreed: "I think we do know what might happen." Howard then asked if she was part Mexican, and she shrugged: "No. Maybe I look Mexican because I'm tan." Paulina said she'd never had an orgasm, despite having sex with at least 5 different guys over the last three years: "I feel something but it's not what people say it is." Benjy also tried his hand at asking Paulina out, promising he'd be the one to finally bring her to climax – and she actually said yes. Despite handing her number over to Benjy, Paulina reserved some doubt about his tongue skills: "You know what? Every guy says that." [Greenroom photos by Doug Goodstein] A CREEPY SYBIAN RIDE Ronnie the Limo Driver came in to speed things up: "She must be dead inside. And the other thing is – when are you gonna take that sweatshirt off?" Howard directed Paulina to the Sybian, but she resisted: "I dunno. It's kinda creepy." Paulina's dad, John, came in to inspect the Sybian: "I'm alright with this. This is not a big deal." Howard then told John to leave: "She's never gonna have an orgasm when you're here." Paulina then jumped on the Sybian (which didn't do the trick) and was distressed by Gary's beekeeper mask ("That's creepy.") but when he took it off, she insisted he put it back on: "No-no, you're right. Keep it on!" howardstern.com

Artie calls out again ??

GEORGE IS IN, ARTIE IS OUT Howard started off the show welcoming George Takei to the studio and noting that Artie was out today, as he's been – oddly enough – 4 of the 10 weeks George has sat in as the show's announcer: "We were out Friday and Monday. It's fine, but...I've tried to figure out whether Artie's on drugs or not because I'm always wrong." Howard later asked the crew if they thought Artie was sick or back on drugs. George gave Artie the benefit of the doubt: "I think health-wise he's very fragile." Fred disagreed, but only in the hopes he was proved wrong as he has in the past: "He's on the sauce again." Robin was also skeptical: "I want him to be sick but I don't think he is." Benjy speculated: "But that might mean he was using before and got off again." Jon Hein was generous: "I think he's exhausted and therefore sick." Howard said he was sick himself – of betting in favor of Artie's sobriety and being repeatedly proved wrong. STAFF TRAVELS George said he'd only be in today and tomorrow, as he would be speaking at Drexel University in Philadelphia on Wednesday about his childhood. George added that Brad was traveling with him, as he usually does, unless George is headed somewhere freaky, like Romania. Howard thought Brad wouldn't like Vegas, as posters advertising Scott the Engineer's upcoming DJ gig at Club Pure were plastered all over Caesar's Palace. Scott came in to laugh: "I'm surprised I didn't scare people away." BETH O IS BACK HOME Howard reported that Beth O was back home after being away taping her role as a judge on ABC's “True Beauty,” explaining that the show took 8 men and 8 women and told them they were competing in a beauty pageant to be the face of Las Vegas. The twist was that they're judged on their inner beauty. Beth O got in Saturday afternoon: "You would've thought the two of us never saw each other...we had this whole big reunion. It was sexual, of course." Howard said the sex was bizarrely passionate: "We hadn't seen each other in a while so it was filled with massive neediness." ERIC THE MIDGET STALKS BETH Eric the Midget called in to say he saw Beth O at a Criss Angel show in Las Vegas over the weekend. Howard confirmed Beth's presence at the show and asked what Eric had done besides stalk his wife. Eric said he'd also "checked out the different hotels and played the slot machines a little bit." Eric did say that he wanted to go say hi to Beth but his parents didn’t want him to because they were afraid she’d be mean to him. howardstern.com

Howard is a Sucker

HOWARD IS A SUCKER Howard learned that Rich, Sal's “financial advisor,” and Richard Christy had thrown a comped surprise party at Rick's Cabaret for Sal's birthday. The news infuriated Howard: "It's over for you....what you're doing is cashing in on my relationship." Howard added that Lonnie, the head of promotions at Rick's Cabaret, was too loyal to the show to say no: "Stop taking advantage of the guy." Howard was particularly pissed at Rich: "I don't even know you...It stops now." As the discussion continued, Howard only got angrier: "Say it to my face! Howard's a sucker! Say it! Please say, 'Howard's a f’ing sucker!'" Richard eventually gave in with a deflated: "Howard's a sucker" and turned to Sal: "Just get it over with." Sal muttered: "Howard's a sucker." Howard was pleased: "Thank you! Now I know what I am."

Bai Ling Visits Howard

BAI LING ISN’T REALLY CRAZY Bai Ling stopped by to promote her new film, “A Beautiful Life,” wearing an outfit she described as an homage to Howard, while Robin called it, "the weirdest she's ever been [dressed]." Howard said Bai Ling always went for an interesting Lady Gaga-esque look, but Bai disagreed: "She's learning from me." Bai then told the crew she got her start in Asia (where she was first a soldier in the Chinese army) and is now an "international star." Howard asked about Bai's infamously large nipples, but Bai wouldn't really answer: "You seen me nipple magazines." Bai revealed she was once hospitalized with mental issues: "I've been to many hospitals...I said, 'Nurse, you cannot stand. I am an actress.'" Howard asked who committed her, and Bai confessed: "I think partially it's myself...I was kind of depressed. I'm not sure. I was kind of-a lost." Uninterested, Howard pushed for Bai to start removing a few of the layers she'd worn into the studio – Bai happily stripped (some of) them away. DON'T HIDE THE NIPPLES, HOWARD Bai claimed she stayed in shape by dancing, so Howard asked her to demonstrate – Bai obliged to the tune of the Black Eyed Peas' “Boom Boom Pow,” yelling: "Woo! I'm having fun in your studio! You should all join me! Dance!" When she was done, Howard asked about her relationship with Lionel Richie, but Bai dodged the question: "I'm still like breathing from my dancing. We're friends. I respect him as an artist." Bai went on to say she was the best actress in the world: "Yes I am. I'm one of them." She cited Johnny Depp as one of her contemporaries at the top: "He does it for his own love for the craft of art." Bai then asked to see a picture of Beth – and thought she was hot – but was unimpressed with Beth's outfit: "I don't see her nipples. What's wrong? Where are nipples? Where you hide them?" Howard promised to show Bai a picture of Beth's nipples later. BAI LING SAYS GOODBYE saying goodbye ("It's my honor and pleasure to have talk and fun."), Bai reported she was drug and alcohol free: "I'm naturally high...if I want alcohol drug I can use myself.

Howard stern on Lettermann and Interns !

HOWARD ON THE LETTERMAN SCANDAL Howard said everyone wanted to know what he thought of the Letterman scandal. Robin saw Dave in a new light, calling him a "sexy guy." Howard noted that Beth was never approached by Dave – or anyone else, for that matter – during her tenure as one of the Late Show presenters: "It was a great experience for her." Howard added Letterman's prude attitude was the first clue: "It's always the uptight people that are into weird shit." Howard thought Dave should've apologized to his wife during his public statement. Robin agreed – but Artie could've cared less: "I'm just glad he isn't gay." Howard laughed that he loved Dave, but he should've turned to Ashley Madison if he needed new pussy: "Dave knows better than to do something like this." Robin joked: "They're calling it the Bed Sullivan Theater now." Howard noted that he has always maintained a “no sex with interns” rule for himself and for those who work for him as he never wants anyone to feel that you can get ahead by “sucking off the boss.” howarstern.com

Miss Howard TV - Dominique Pictures

Miss Howard TV - Dominique MISS HOWARDTV OCTOBER Howard welcomed Dominique DiCaprio, Miss HowardTV October, to the studio and reported that her breasts were real. Dominique said she was a dance teacher who couldn't keep a man – even though she would greet her boyfriends naked when they got home from work: "[They] say, 'I've got to go to the gym.'" Artie thought there was only one true get-out-of-sex excuse: "I'm busy being gay." Dominique said she was into some really freaky sex, like “golden showers” (only in the shower though) and anal sex: "But only with a boyfriend...I have to make them do it sometimes." She's also in to girls (although, to date, she hasn’t gone past making out with them): "Girls that look like Kim Kardashian or something. Girls that look like me." Howard was impressed – he couldn't figure out why any guy would leave Dominique. Dominique couldn't either, saying she just wanted to be her guy's "personal sex kitten." THE CREW SEEKS THE TRUTH Mike Gange came in insisting Dominique's boobs were fake: "They're too big to be real and they didn’t bounce right." To vindicate herself, Dominique let Gange “test” her rack, and he laughed: "There's so an implant right here!" Ronnie the Limo Driver then came in to add his expert advice – and thought Gange was full of shit: "They're real. There's no bag there, Gange." Will then came in to offer his opinion: "I feel something in there. I'm not sure what it is." Scott DePace settled it though when his thorough examination revealed that one breast was larger than the other – therefore they must be real. Dominique told the crew she loved to be choked during sex: "To the point where I [once] almost blacked out. I think I turned purple." But even freakier was her desire to use a strap-on on a dude: "I actually wanna give it to a guy." Artie was not interested: "You're in the wrong room, sweetie." Howard was blown way: "You really are Miss HowardTV." Artie thought another “test” was in order: "Some of those guys in the back don't think you're vagina's real." Pics from howard stern.com